For those of you who live near the coast you will understand all this… for other’s, this is a glimpse of “hurricane” season. This is important stuff…..

Here in Middle Georgia, we’re right smack dab in the center path of Hurricane Michael.  For the past few days, when I’ve turned on the TV, all I’ve seen is a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2)You could be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to live on or near the East Coast or Gulf of Mexico. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that you’ll get hit by “the big one.” Based on my (former) experience as the Chief of Facilities for the US Fish & Wildlife’s Southeast Region, I would recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food, beer, cigars, scotch, and bottled water to last you and your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your truck.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.  Most people will foolishly stay in whatever East Coast or Gulf state that they live in.

So, let’s start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS’ INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built.
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located on the East Coast, Gulf of Mexico, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay YOU money and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.  So you’ll have to scrounge around for an insurance company which,…. will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.  At any moment though, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Katrina, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I’m covered by the “Bob and Big Stan” Insurance Company under a policy which state that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to
my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and — if it’s a major hurricane — all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood Shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they’re cheap.  The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will probably fall off.

Sheet-Metal Shutters: The advantage is that these work well once you get them all up.  The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-Down Shutters: The advantages are that they’re very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house.  The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-Proof Windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds!  You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc..  You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don’t have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).  Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it says something like “Florida,” you live in a low-lying area.)  The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.  Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.  So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don’t evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now!  East Coast tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 Flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that…… (when the power goes off), they turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach.  (No, I don’t know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it’s traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg.  (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions.  As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It’s great living on the East Coast or Gulf of Mexico!

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  1. James Shy says:

    Or you just work on a tugboat because you don’t have to worry about losing your house because it floats you won’t miss a day of work and you will be paid the whole time you really don’t have anything to worry about and if you are tied up in Louisiana and need to evacuate you have a pair of 3508 cats with kort nozzles putting out about 2,000 horsepower so you won’t get anywhere fast but yo have the power to stay in between the banks

    1. Donald Lanahan says:

      Brother, loved your advice. We are in FL now, but are not worried, as we bought the “hurricane windows” in our condo, so have a false sense of security. We are also on the second floor of our condo, so unless the storm surge is higher than 15 feet we are relatively safe. Thanks for the advice, I always look-up to you.

  2. Bill says:

    Damn Shorty!! And here I thought that I was the King of “Run-On Sentences”!!! You just humbled me!!


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